T and that
On forces, chemicals and consciousness. What is out of balance? What is out of control?
I’m researching testosterone and a friend writes to tell me I’m in delicate territory, this is the kind of stuff that terfs use against trans women.
Look, I’m not sure where testosterone fits in, I’m not sure I will ever know, I’m not sure where cortisol fits in, or anything other than what our fathers and fathers’ fathers have fucking threatened us with throughout the ages.
I was standing on the landing with my 8-year old daughter one day, sternly telling her to get her boots on. We’re late for something or other, and I know I’m being cold and stern, but I want her to have a voice in her future head that knows when to kick it into gear. She can’t ignore the others, especially the system, the timings, the expectations, the way things work. She’ll get crushed.
In other times, I try to listen to her, try to validate her feelings, but in these times I am choosing —rightly or wrongly— to be the voice of executive function.
The one place where I will act with no patience or consideration is on the subject of screens. I’ve almost smashed her pandemic tablet with a hammer a handful of times. My thinking and my concerns for respecting her heart or her feeling of safety don’t prevent my reactions. I just yell, immediately.
But I’m just protecting her right?
It’s for your own good, right?
I’m not interested in T or testosterone, or cortisol, but I AM interested in IMPULSE. And the practice and dedication it takes to refrain from acting on impulse. That’s what civilization is, right?
It’s like, what if you took a planet, oh, any planet, and populated it with beings made out of chemicals, and watched for millions of years, would certain impulses rise to the top, to become the dominant impulses, even if they were destructive for lots or everything around it? In fact, wouldn’t they be dominant because they were destructive?
Does a variable in a system have to become dominant? Would there be balance early on? How fast would domineering/destructive forces in your experiment begin to cause the experiment itself to self-destruct?
What role does consciousness have in it? What IS that anyway?
I’m with Liv Ullman’s character here:
I’m curious that in Ullman’s speech above, calls the male forces “...aggressive, dominating, whatever” and the female, “...nurturing, caretaking, gentle, whatever...”
It’s “caretaking” I’m stuck on. Isn’t that a trait of consciousness? And maybe “nuturing” too?
But wait, I’m talking about chemicals here, aren’t I?
But consciousness — is society a kind of consciousness?
Are these forces/impulses impulses of chemicals or consciousness or something else I’m missing? Are we talking about consciousness VS impulse? Civilization VS “natural forces”? Mama said vs always on the run?
But birds take care of their young, meerkats, seals, all animals take care of their young.
And we’re not the only ones always on the run, those are prey animals. Do they get stern lessons in watching out for themselves?
Are THEIR men out of control?
I run the risk of being glib here, by posting this clip of Werner Herzog,
who must certainly have been glib in saying, “there is a sort of harmony here. It’s the harmony of overwhelming and collective murder.” (I mean, I’m pretty sure anything overwhelming is by definition not harmonious. )
But what if nature is constantly destroying and feeding on itself? Are men just the vicious (overwhelming, murderous) part of nature?
I agree that we absolutely have the choice to CHOOSE nurturing, caretaking, and that that is the smarter long term choice. (I think it also feels better.)
Can we make a generalization and ask: Why don’t men take the long term options?
Is it the cortisol? The feeling of power? The rewards consciousness likes: safety, status, immortality of sorts?
A feeling of immortality?
(That’s for a future post.)